My First Encounters of, Well… What Could Have Been Called as “Love”

Just a quick note about this post: I actually wrote this post on Sunday, but I just haven’t got time to post it just yet. So even though I posted this on Tuesday, Mar 15, I’m going to change the post date to Sunday, Mar 13 to keep myself on track with Post a Week 2011. And no, I’m not cheating šŸ™‚

I was watching a reality show on TV when the host said something about “love is blind”. That reminds me of my experience of what is most likely fall into the “blind love” category. It’s going to be an awfully long one, so hang with me, folks.

It happened around the year 2006 when I was in my first grade of junior high school. Back then, Internet was the greatest thing that ever came into my life because I was so addicted to it (it was that great because that was when my mom subscribed to our first ever ADSL Internet which was the fastest Internet I’ve ever used). One of my favorite online activities aside from managing my Friendster account (it was the time when Friendster dominated the Internet) was participating in online forums, particularly this private TV station forum.

There, I met two people: a boy and a girl. Since I forget their nicknames, from now on, I will just refer to them as “The Boy” and “The Girl”. At first we were awkward, but as we chatted and joked around, we got closer and closer, and we became good friends. We knew all about each other’s good and bad traits, we shared about our hobbies. I knew that The Girl loved drawing animes (those Japanese cartoons) and she was in a project of making a comic with her friend. She said that she wanted to be a video game designer in the future. The Boy was a reserved person, so I didn’t know much about him.

We kept to ourselves our names and some other private information, but we did know that were all about the same age, and we lived in different cities (The Girl was in Jakarta; The Boy was in Semarang). I found the forum very pleasing, because there were only three of us who were active in there. It really was like having our own forum.

But then, as I posted more stuff at the forum, I realized that I mostly replied the posts made by The Girl, sometimes even ignoring what The Boy was posting. Eventually, The Boy logged into the forum less and less frequently. I felt a little guilty for him, but my pleasure in talking to The Girl was greater that the guilt, so I didn’t bother much about The Boy. Not long after that, I added The Girl as my friend on Friendster (The Boy didn’t have an FS account there) and I exchanged phone numbers and somehow we were already texting each other. We often asked each other “have you had your breakfast?” or “what dress should I wear today?”. I felt this weird feeling toward The Girl, and I once texted to her “you are more than my best friend that I’ve ever met on the Internet”, which I would soon regret.

Since then, I seldom logged into the forum anymore.

At the time, however, I was already going out with a classmate (a girl whom I admire still until the present moment). Let’s call her “The Classmate”. We had lunch together, went to the bookstore together, and it wouldn’t be a lie if I said that I liked her so much. My feeling toward her was even stronger than that, it probably would fit in the “love” category, I’m not even embellishing it. But we weren’t going steady (I was a very shy boy and the thought of going steady just disturbed my mind) even though we were close. I texted her too and sometimes I exchanged testimonials with her on Friendster.

One day, in class, The Classmate asked me whether I knew who The Girl was, and I said she was just a friend that I met on a forum. I wondered how she knew about The Girl, and she said that The Girl had been sending her testimonials on Friendster, asking who she was and asked her what her relationship was with me.

I was outraged by The Girl’s testimonials to The Classmate because I didn’t want The Girl to annoy The Classmate. I emailed The Classmate about this in anger. I even had some of the text written in ALL CAPS. One of the things I said was this:

“Well, did you know who she is? She is a special person for me and I don’t want her to be mad at me because of you! WHAT’S YOUR BUSINESS IN INTERFERING WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP? Who do you think you are, HUH?!”.

Call me an evil bastard, curse me, I really deserved all that. I regretted saying those things in my e-mail. It was horribly rude, and I basically blamed The Girl for a bad situation I had made myself. I said that because I was angry to myself but I didn’t want to blame me for it. It was very, very childish.

Hours later, I got a reply from The Girl. Here is what she said:

“Why are you blaming me? What’s my fault? How would I know if you were already in a relationship?! You never ever mentioned about that to me nor mentioned any single thing about her! You shouldn’t have said that I was “more than your best friend on the Internet” if you think of me as someone who interferes with you and you special person’s private lives! Do you know that I am crying so hard because of your e-mail? I’ve never cried like this before… I know you don’t and you won’t care a single bit about it, but it really, really hurts!

“If that’s what you want, I will get out from your life from now on. I will never, ever interfere with your life or her life or the lives of you two again. I have never been “more than your best friend on the Internet” and never will be. You will be happier that way, right?”

My heart was badly broken, my stomach was uncontrollably churning, and I felt horribly guilty. I hated myself for having put her in a situation like that. I wanted to kill myself for being a fucking asshole (or whatever bad word that I deserved to be called).

But I didn’t reply back to that e-mail right away.

I was silent the whole week after I received that e-mail. I was thinking about how bad had I hurt her and whether she was still crying because of it. Even though The Classmate didn’t know about the e-mail, she and I was very awkward at that time and we seldom went out or even talk anymore. Our relationship was strained, and eventually we stopped going out.

I finally decided to reply to that e-mail about one month after I received it. I said, hopelessly, that I was really sorry and I regretted everything. I said, hopelessly, let’s forget what happened before, and I wanted us to be friends again.

In her reply, she said that she had forgotten everything and that she had happily moved on. She said that the comic she had been making with her friends was published on her school magazine and it was very popular in her school. She concluded the e-mail by saying:

“I have forgiven you since long, you know. So let’s be friends like we always are :)”

That was the last time I’ve ever heard from her.

Now, it’s been five years or so since that happened. The forum is not there anymore and there is no way I can find them anymore.

I wonder how The Girl doing right now, and what she has become. I wonder if she has got herself a nice boyfriend who is treat her like how she should be treated and doesn’t stab her from the back.

And The Boy, how is he right now?

Until now, I still regret what I had done, what awful scenario I have put people whom I was close with in back then. What if I hadn’t done all that? Maybe the three of us could have been true “best friends on the Internet”. Maybe The Classmate could have been my girlfriend for five years. Who knows?

So that’s my story. I learned a lot about love and how I should treat girls since then. The hard way. It doesn’t really connects about the definition of what “love is blind” means, but, well, that wasn’t the point. I just want to share a story about myself.

Love is inexplicably complicated, right?


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