Hello I (Was and Still) Am Awkward

When I was in my younger years (okay, I admit it: I’m old), I was an extremely shy boy. I rarely talked to people and when I did, it was them who started it. And it never lasted than a minute or two because I couldn’t come up with any interesting topic and really didn’t know what to talk about. Before I engage in convos, I make lists in my head of the topics that I should come up with. I would freak out over any good comebacks or jokes that I made in conversations, and they would stick in my head for days, pondering why I couldn’t make such interesting talk all the time.

The matter of girls were worse. I rarely make eye contacts—or even any kinds of contacts, for that matter—with girls. When I did make the contact, I would become lost and I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands (they were literally “slithering” all over my body). When I talked to them… no, when they talked to me, my face would turn—as they put it—“red like tomato” and I would occassionally stutter and jumble my words. Often times they didn’t get what I said and I had to repeat my sentence, which was just as unintelligible. Esprit d’escaliers often haunted me, crap, that would’ve made a good topic; why didn’t I say that?! I often thought.

I hated myself for not being able to be an interesting person, so I tend to keep myself away from people and preferred to be alone, losing myself in my own thoughts. More often than not, I was scared of social interactions.

Eventually, I realized that the main reason of myself being like that was actually the fear of being deemed a dull, boring person by other people. It was the fear of not being able to come up with interesting topics. And worst of all, it was the fear of being rejected and isolated by the society.

I’ve always wanted to be a better person. I wanted to change—I wanted to actually literally say something from my own mouth instead of being silent all the time.

Now I’ve changed a bit, as in I’m not shy around girls anymore and I’m more comfortable talking with other people. However, sometimes social interactions still scare me. I still have problems coming up with conversation topics and I still avoid unnecessary social interactions. I’m still and always will be trying to not be socially awkward. I think of it as a test in the process of being a better person.

I hope in the next five or six years, I’ll be a different person and I will laugh at the memories of what I was five or six years ago.

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3 thoughts on “Hello I (Was and Still) Am Awkward

  1. Yeah, just keep practicing, not thinking of the consequences because they are just hypotheticals in your head anyway.

    Find an honorable person that is comfortable and confident in their own skin and hang out with them. Learn how they do it.

    OR get a part-time job in customer service so you get paid to practice. 😀

    You can do it!

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  2. Fear of rejection maybe?

    If you are struggling in those areas then you just need to practice. Go out in public and start talking to people. The problem for you (it sounds like) is that you are so focused on doing/saying the wrong thing that you do nothing. You are anticipating being shunned or laughed at. Don’t even think about it. Just do it. Throw yourself into the fire and just talk to someone. Eventually, instead of capping the well with nervousness and fear you will be a gusher of things to say.

    Don’t give yourself time to think about all the things that could go wrong. Just do it. Besides, the people are strangers anyway, who cares what they think?

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    1. You are right, Mitchell. I fear that what I say or do will annoy other people and I ended up saying or doing nothing at all. It’s the image of being rejected and deemed as “unimportant” that really scare me.

      “Just do it.”
      I’ll just quote that and I’ll keep that in mind every time I engage in conversations.

      Oh, thank you very much for the encouraging comment, Mitchell! It’s always nice to have nice people around 🙂

      Like

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