i’ve been hospitalized for dengue fever for a couple of days this week. my time at the hospital was probably the most relaxing, worry-free time i’ve ever had: just laying down on the bed, watching tv or reading books, the nurses coming every so often to feed me, people coming to visit. all i needed to think about was recovering, and that was all.
but ever since i got out of it i feel like i’m having a huge lump in my throat. my heart feels so heavy. i’m trying to write it down, what’s wrong with me. but the thing is, it’s making me depressed. and having friends around just doesn’t seem to cut it.
well firstly, there’s family problem. mom and dad. they make me so depressed. their disagreement over everything. their stubbornness over those disagreements. neither of them even listens anymore. to anybody. to each other, to me, to my brother. each insists on solving every problem their way, leading to fights and arguments, and then contempt. communication has no value. even when communication is open it just seems so. every so often my nieces try so hard to make everything seems alright even though it isn’t. nothing is. there is no love in this house. making money is all everybody cares about. that is, making money by running businesses. i mean, really, trying too hard to run a business and expect money to roll in immediately. it’s so depressing.
and speaking of which… my future. my mom and dad don’t care much about it. as long as i get a job, whatever that may be, they’ll be fine. i think they picture me working in a bank, “following their path”. i seriously think that they don’t have anything in their minds for me except for working behind a desk in a bank. this nation works for banks anyway, right? what else is there for me except for a bank. it’s so depressing. i thought the world is wide enough to accomodate other jobs other than banks. i always assure myself that i can speak english well. well, what’s that worth anyway. everybody can speak english well. plus other employable degree. when i graduate i’ll be having a degree that shows i can read well. yeah, that’s so employable.
and then there’s college. i’ve got assignments that i completely ignore when i was being hospitalized. i made it as if i’ve done everything. there’s this subject called research methods in linguistics that’s supposed to lead to my final thesis next semester. but i haven’t done anything with it. i’m supposed to read a lot of theories to support my argument. i’ve done the basic stuff, my argument and everything, but they’re just that. baseless as a debris in the outer space.
my girlfriend who’s so busy with her assignments that she hasn’t time for us to talk. but then with all these problems that i have i’ll be just a big burden for her.
and there’s also the rest of my family. i just want them to disappear, really. sometimes they just keep poking around in another’s life and won’t go away.
even writing all of this doesn’t make me feel better. not even a bit. i don’t know what can. i’m just rambling my worries away. just want to curl up on my bed and sleep and be happy all of a sudden with all my problems solved.